I cried during coffee catch ups, couldn’t wake up in the mornings no matter how early I went to sleep and I ate potato waffles in bed for dinner, that I cooked using a toaster (pretty sure that’s a huge fire hazard).
My conversations centered on not being able to see a future and wanting to escape. When my best friend asked me what I could see in my future, all I could respond was “black nothingness”. I know that sounds over the top, but that’s the only way I could describe it. To the point where I convinced myself I was going to die in early 2019 because I couldn’t see a n y t h i n g past a certain time. It was just black.
I now know those feelings were a product of two tough years, in which many difficult things happened, that I probably still don't address or talk about enough.
But in hindsight, those feelings were also a product of my own inability to be positive.
Because, yes, many horrible things happened to me, but it was how I chose to deal with them that affected my happiness.
I’ve always had a terrible habit of seeing the worst in situations. Glass half empty kind of gal. So every time something bad happened, or sometimes not even bad just inconvenient, I would believe it was the universe out to get me.
I was in such a rut of negativity; I didn't even know how to begin changing my outlook aside from 'running away'. I booked three months in Barbados to get away from everyone and everything, believing that once I had taken this time for myself and 'escaped' what I was going through, I would be healed.
Of all the things to fix me, I never imagined it would be myself...with a little help from - now this is where this post gets slightly weird - a spiritualist medium.
Yeah, I just dropped that one in like a bomb, but meeting with a medium truly was the catalyst for me turning my life around.
I never intended on going to see her so she could 'fix me' - I didn't even know if I truly believed in these things before I sat down with her. I also have no idea how long I was sat there with her - it felt both like a split second and a long hour - but we spoke about all kinds of things and the experience was absolutely what I needed, to allow myself to heal and see a brighter future.
Before that point I was attracting the wrong things because I refused to be anything other than negative. I truly believe that my new-found positive mental attitude has opened my world up to better people (hi boyfriend), better opportunities and better, more fulfilling life experiences.
It’s taught me that the way I choose to walk through life, really does determine my happiness and opportunity. You have to be the change, so when you open yourself up to positivity, positive things happen.
Put simply, I am a better person now. So cheers: to a brand new, proudly glass half full kind of gal.
Bx
