So, I’m just going to come out and say it; with dating, a lot of things are left unsaid (soz, couldn’t help myself there), especially in the very early days. Or more specifically in the crucial days that follow that first date, first kiss or first hook up.
Based on my dating history anyway, there are many things I haven’t said to those I’ve dated (positives, negatives, worries) and judging by the silence of so many past dates, there’s an awful lot they aren’t telling me either.
The amount of times I’ve been left wondering what I did or didn’t do, what I said or didn’t say or whether something was wrong with me, all because of the unsaid things is laughable – it happens more often than not (yes, I want your sympathy...cry for me).
To cope with being left in that state of wondering – almost all the time (again, I want your tears, so cry for me)– I’ve found myself drafting and saving messages that I know I’ll never send. This started unintentionally I might add, but over time the unsent messages piled up and it became a habit.
I call this The Message Graveyard – a place where messages are buried after the urge to send them dies.
I have many a message tombstone lurking in my notes section. Some are comical now but others are still quite raw and painful to read. But that's because these messages were written in the moment.
Sometimes I draft various versions of the same message, just trying to get the tone or the point just right. Other times I get across what I want to say first time around, but I get too anxious to hit send (maybe this is how ghosting begins?). But either way, revisiting the message graveyard, and in turn revisiting how I felt in the moment, and actually sending the messages can be impossible for me.
And so, over time, these messages get buried under a metaphorical 6 feet of notes, shopping lists and saved YouTube links.
I had a quick read of some recent messages that had met their fate in The Message Graveyard and what I’ve learnt from them is: say what it is you want to say, and at the time you want to say it.
Yes, preparation can be important when sending a message that can have implications, because you might not want to come across as the ‘psycho bitch’ you’re being lead to believe you are (that’s 9 times out of 10 the reason for me, anyway).
That being said, if what you want to say is totally reasonable but you're afraid of scaring someone off or hurting their feelings (after they’ve hurt yours first anyway probs), then you probably shouldn’t waste your time on them anyway. It's a hard lesson to learn, but I've finally got there.
But having unsaid things you really wanted to off your chest hanging over you will make you unnecessarily sad (that's a scientific term, FYI), all because you were too anxious, felt too awkward or too worried about what the person receiving the message might think of you. And honestly, hun, it’s not worth the stress. So just send the message. At the end of the day it's just a message.
Hindsight is also a beautiful thing. I’ve spent hours unnecessarily sad, wrapped in worry, but had I just sent the fucking message I would have had the answers or the closure I needed. Sooner. No time wasted.
I read back through some of the messages thinking “thank fuck I didn’t send that” but really, what’s the worst that would have happened if I had? I get an annoyed response, ignored, or shock horror, I get a genuine and useful response back...
And so, for my own closure, the messages that no longer have a purpose or point in The Message Graveyard have been deleted. Off to message Heaven or Hell they go, exorcising me from the demons that are message anxiety and fuck boys in the process.
[Lol went overboard with the death connotations in there, but that was fun - it is sPoOky season after all]
Bx
The Boy Free Girl
Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash
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