The Types of People You Will Meet on Tinder

When you’ve been on the Tinder, Bumble, PoF [insert any and every online dating app here] hype as long as I have – almost 2 years FYI, let’s just let the sink in – it all becomes very familiar.

Now there is nothing wrong with familiarity, in fact in this instance it’s actually helped me on my dating journey (when I say journey, I almost definitely mean rollercoaster. Journey makes it seem quite pleasant, and pleasant it is not).

Now I’m not just talking familiar simply in terms of knowing exactly how the chat is going to go, which GIFs I’m going to get sent over and over or roughly when to expect the first dick pic, I’m also talking about the familiarity of the types of people you will meet.

Thanks to the expert level of online dating I have reached, the majority of the time, I know exactly what to expect from the stranger glaring up at me from my iPhone screen, based purely on their selection of photos. #Skillz, amirite?

Now, reader disclaimer – take all of the below with a pinch of salt and a sense of humour, please. This is based purely on the general observations (lol @ me as a sexy researcher) that I have noticed on my own personal dating journey rollercoaster (Jeeeeze, I have to stop doing that).

Second disclaimer - I'm fully aware that I fit in to many categories or types of people as well, so find me on Tinder and roast my profile too, if it makes you happy.

Anyway, I digress…read on for my pearls of wisdom about the types of people YOU WILL come across when online dating, and don’t say I didn’t warn you...

Is he frequenting the same clubs you were at age 18, complete with a drink in his hand in every photo? He’ll just want your Snapchat for the chance to unleash his tiny manhood on you in 0.2 seconds flat.

Is he wearing a kilt? He’s - most likely/obviously/hopefully - Scottish. And you should give him a chance. They are different from London lads (my usual) and tend to have pretty big…[insert aubergine emoji here for your own visual]. So get yourself one of these, gal, trust me. If it turns out he isn’t a bona fide Scotsman, he’s a liar and an imposter…and should not be trusted.

Does he love the dog Snapchat filter more than you? Firstly, this is a strange breed of man. I haven’t quite worked this type out but that’s probably because I don’t match with them. The energy/vibes I get from them just tells me to steer clear. And so I do, and you should too. Secondly, no one loves the dog filter more than me.

Are his photos just a slideshow of his latest travelling expedition? Ski slopes here, posing arms wide in front of an ancient monument there, finished with a perfectly timed snapshot of him doing a handstand on the beach? Yeah, straight up: this guy will never commit. He can’t stay in one place for long and probably isn’t even looking for a travel buddy. You'll just tie him down and force him to think about his feelings. Solo travel ting ONLY. He’s a free spirit, man, goes wherever he can next to hide from real life and responsibilities. Yes he’ll be well cultured but I’m looking for someone world class not worldwide so no love lost there.

Does every picture show him in the gym? He’ll be more interested in growing his Instagram 

followers than growing a loving relationship. Check his bio; I bet it says something like "rarely come on here, add me on Instagram instead @BEEFYGYMGUY7".

Is he holding a baby, followed by a “the baby is my nephew!” comment in his bio? He’s just being a potential daddy thirst trap. Do not fall for it. The fact he has to fervently express “the kid is not my son” (thanks MJ), should be a warning in itself.

Is he in a group picture with a bunch of hot female friends? You just have to ask yourself if you can imagine being associated with those super-hot girls, because they probably come as part of the package. My insecure arse sure can’t. His intention with this kind of group shot was to say “look at all the hot friends I have, that means I’m super-hot too!” but it has the opposite effect on me. So no. Just no. NEXT.

Does he look perfect/unreal? Then he probably is unreal and he/she/who knows is probably catfishing you. How often do you see someone like that in real life? If they’re that hot, why are they on Tinder? Ask yourself that before you get sucked in, hun.

Does he have a picture with his mum? I actually think this is super-sweet. He’s caring and not afraid to show his emotional side but save yourself the hassle, babe. You’ll probably never impress Mumsie or be good enough for her golden boy and this too will end in heartache, probably before it’s even begun.

I have to stop there before I say anything too judgmental (love you all really) but these are all the things I've learned to expect from the kinds of people I see on the reg. Hit me up with any that I have missed because I know there are many more out there.

And of course, no judgement if you fall for a gym-obsessed, club goer posing with the dog filter and wearing a kilt, while holding a baby that’s “my nephew!” in a big group of hot girls with his mum hiding and judging in the background too. That's fine. Someone has to love them after all...it just won't be me.

Bx

The Boy Free Girl