Ghosted or Lied To?

It’s a question that’s been asked since time began - well, since Tinder and online dating began, but let’s be honest, who actually remembers a time before then? If things are going to end with the person you’re dating, is it better to be ghosted or be lied to when the time comes?

I've been ghosted so many times, I could open a haunted house attraction of ex-dates and lovers. Lied to? That’s only happened a handful of times, and perhaps it’s the unfamiliarity of it, but that one definitely hurts more.

Ghosting is pure nasty…and I say that as a person who has been ghosted and also as the ghost (is that even the right way to phrase it?). I’m not proud, and to those I've ghosted: I am sorry. Saying that, I also understand why people do it because I know why I did it.

Good person or not, it’s undeniably easy to just simply ignore someone you don’t know that well, especially when the majority of conversations with potential dates happen online. Before you know it, it’s been days, then weeks and then months of ignoring until you’ve successfully ducked out of someone’s life.

It’s a convenient way to end something when we lead the busy lives we do. If I don't have time to use Tinder unless it's Tinder Gold, why would I invest time into someone I'm just not that into?

How many other things in life do you ignore as long as possible, until they seemingly go away? Avoiding checking your bank account the week before day day? Guilty. Ignoring the amount of cups you've been collecting on your bedside table because cba to take them down? Guilty. Using dry shampoo for the second day in a row because...life! Guilty. Perhaps ignoring stuff is just how “we Millennials” cope.

But, when it comes to dating, for the sake of a short, albeit uncomfortable and sometimes awkward conversation, you can escape a situation you don’t want to be in, fairly, kindly and guilt-freely, if you just tell the person straight.

Being lied to shows zero respect. Like I said, I get ghosting – you want to avoid that difficult and unpleasant news flash to the unsuspecting person you’re seeing, so you just disappear. Lying? You’ve taken the time to calculate and make something up to either paint yourself in a better light, or for the other person to sympathise with you (“I still have feelings for my ex” or “I’m not ready for relationship right now” and “You deserve better than me” spring to mind).

In my opinion, ghosting is the kinder of the two because you never know someone’s reasons. Yes it hurts, but that's why we keep swiping. If someone is out there lying, there really is no other excuse aside from the fact the person you're dating probably has narcissistic tendencies.

How about the double whammy? Lied to and then ghosted. Yeah, I’ve had that one too and let’s just say it prompted my first proper Tinder delete (not just the old hidden profile trick) and my first real 'I give up' moment.

It sucks...dating *can* suck. But we do it anyway.

Now I'm not out here asking to be ghosted ladies and gents,  just because it’s my preference. Obviously in an ideal world we wouldn’t have to choose from either being ghosted or lied to. However, this is online dating we are talking about, not the 1940’s when romance still bloomed.

So, what’s your preference: be ghosted or be lied to?

Bx
The Boy Free Girl






Photo by Matthew Kwong on Unsplash

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In Defence of Paying for Tinder Gold

If I had a pound for every time someone laughs at me when I tell them I pay for Tinder, I would be easily affording my bi-weekly manicure addiction, with change left over. Honestly, as soon as I mention that I pay a monthly subscription in a bid to find love (obvs being dramatic here), I get branded a saddo or desperate, which couldn't be further from the truth.

PLEASE, STOP PAYING FOR DATING APPS. This was the headline VICE used in one of their most recent articles on Snapchat and my golly did it hit a nerve. If anything is desperate it's that headline. I've been paying for Tinder Gold for pretty much the whole time I've had it, let's say couple of months (but you and I know it's been a year, at least), and I genuinely believe it's money well spent.

I can't claim that it's given me more dates, if anything maybe less - because I've realised I'm quite fussy - but what it does give me is more choice, more control and more time.

With Tinder Gold, I can see instantly who has liked me. This means I don't have to waste time swiping right and hoping the person in the picture has done the same for me (no mini heartbreaks, woo!). Instead, I get a glorious library of potentials who have already shown their interest in me. I basically get the pick of the pack, which is not only a confidence boost but also a time-saver (I've got that bi-weekly manicure to get, hun, no time for swiping).

Of course, just because they've swiped doesn't mean that, if I decide to swipe for them too and we match, something is guaranteed to happen - hence why I don't believe it generates more dates as a given - but who cares; no love lost and no time lost.

There are features that come with Tinder Gold that I don't use, so okay, the money isn't all being well spent, but if I want to, I have unlimited swipe rights, 5 Super Likes to use on unwitting potentials every. single. day (pun not intended, but it's a pretty good one, right?), the ability to rewind if I swipe left accidentally (oops), one Boost a month if I'm feeling extra needy and more control over the people who can find me.

Perhaps the only thing I can say in agreement with not paying for dating apps, is that I point blank refuse to pay for more than one month at a time. There are packages designed to save you money, but I feel like if I resign myself to paying for 6 months+ up front, it's like a self fulfilling prophecy of 6 loveless months. I take it one month at a time, and that works for me.

Of course there are many ways to improve your profile and chances for free (more on this soon), and I'm not encouraging anyone to go out and spend their wages on a dating app, but there are pros and cons for every side, and throwing £7 a month at it works for me.

Essentially, there is no shame in paying for a dating app if the features it offers work for you. Heck, even if you are paying just to match with people worldwide for the lolz or to get unlimited swipe rights because you're looking for your next shag, and quickly, you do you boo and don't be shamed into changing your ways.

Bx
The Boy Free Girl




Credit: photo by rawpixel.com from Pexels

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My Unhealthy Relationship with Makeup

For as long as I can remember, I've always loved makeup. When I was little I used to riffle through my mum's lipstick collection and be amazed by the bright colours, waxy smell and creamy texture of the numerous shades she had collected over the years.

I don't remember my mum ever telling me I couldn't wear makeup, although I'm sure she did when I was very little, but since I was about 12, I've worn a flick of black liquid eyeliner across my eyelids. It's my signature look, and without it I look like a different person. No, scrap that...I feel like a different person.

As I've gotten older my makeup skills have developed and I can now (kind of) contour, blend eye shadow properly and line my lips to make them look fuller (thanks YouTube!) But there's something I've realised about myself and my relationship with makeup - I don't really wear it for me.

I caught sight of myself in the bus window on the way to work recently and my immediate thought was, "oh, I've actually got quite a lot of makeup on today" but that thought quickly changed to, "of course I do... I'm going to work!" Now don't get me wrong, I don't wear inappropriate makeup to work, but I would never dream of going in barefaced either.

*Controversial opinion alert* In the past I found myself judging those who didn't wear makeup to work. I also used to get so wound up when I saw someone applying makeup on their commute. It just annoyed me so much, and in my head I jumped to the conclusion that they didn't have their life in order - I mean if you can't wake up early enough to apply your makeup in morning, who even are you? (I'm joking about this last bit...obvs)

I know that will offend a few people, but I am delighted to say that after taking a long hard look at myself, I no longer think that way. In fact, I've realised is that it's ME who has an unhealthy relationship with makeup.

I actually wish I was the kind of woman who went in to work without makeup on and still felt professional - there is literally no reason why they shouldn't! I wish I had the confidence (and, who am I kidding, the skills) to apply my makeup on the train. I'm jealous of those women...heck, I want to be those women.

This view obviously stems from my own insecurities, and judgement in the past. On the rare occasions when I would head into work without makeup or even without my signature black eyeliner, at least one person would ask "are you okay?" or say: "you look different, are you tired?"All that did was reinforce the opinion in my mind that without makeup on, I looked like my life was a mess.

Yes, my brain is weird, I know. It's a pretty big conclusion to jump to and lot of women would never make that association, but I am sure there are more people like me out there that feel like, for some reason, wearing makeup, or not wearing makeup in this case, changes someone's view of them.

Of course, there is the flip side to this argument, which is: I wear makeup because I want to. And for me this is always part of the reason I sit in front of the mirror daily. However, when I get ready for work in the morning, I don't feel like I'm putting on makeup for me. Instead it's because I'm stuck with this unwritten, totally-made-up-in-my-head rule that without it, I will be judged as less professional.

So I'm pledging to start falling in love with wearing makeup for me again, and also NOT wearing makeup for me again.

Bx
The Boy Free Girl

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Saying Goodbye for the Last Time

I once read a quote on the internet that has stuck with me ever since. I will be the first to admit that I am really sentimental, but there was something so profound about this quote that it resonated with me on such a deep level.

It read something like: "At some point, your parents picked you up, put you back down and never picked you up again".

Every now and then this idea of things happening for the last time (without you knowing it's the last time) gets stuck in my head, and I get lost in a long train of thought about 'last times'.

In December 2016 I was thinking about the last time I saw my Grandma (Grandmama, as we affectionately called her), and I was struck with a horrible realisation that it had been far too long. I made plans to see her immediately, and was looking forward to catching up with her but just a few days later, I got a call to tell me that she had passed away.

My Grandmama was about to turn 94, but that doesn't make her death any easier. She was independent and healthier than any other person I'd known over the age of 90; her death was unexpected and sudden despite her age. I also think that because she kept getting older without issue, I naively believed she would always be there. I almost convinced myself that there would always be another time to see her, but of course nothing lasts forever.

I keep thinking "if only I'd got my act together sooner and arranged to meet her, perhaps everything would be different", and everyone keeps saying I shouldn't think that way, but I can't help it. I know in my heart I should have seen her more in 2016, and now I am full of regret, sadness and pain. Life will not be the same without her.

Since her death I have learnt so much about her. She lived such an incredible life, and although I'll never be able to ask her about it directly, I have photographs and documents to look back on and live through those instead.

Going forward, I am going to make more time for the people I love, because you never know what the future holds or when anything will be the 'for the last time', and I urge whoever reads this to do so too.

I love you Grandmama.

Bx
The Boy Free Girl

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Welcome to Boy Free Year

Welcome to Boy Free Year...

I have been sitting on this blog idea for months. Literally months. I've vaguely mentioned it to close friends but not said a peep to the majority of people I know and I guess that's because, to some, the mere name of the blog will sound awfully dull. For others, it will sound like peace on earth, and while I flit between the two viewpoints fairly often, it's safe to say the past year of my life, boy free I may add, has been one hell of a ride.

Of course, when I say 'boy free' I haven't actually been without boys completely...(there have been numerous dates, one night happenings, me falling too deep, them falling too deep...you get it) but put simply, since ending a 6 year relationship just over a year ago, I have learned so much about myself, and also the opposite sex, that I wanted a place to compile my thoughts, experiences and even knowledge about life as it is for me at the moment; and thus, Boy Free Year was born. 

I recently turned 26, and while I'm not at all where I thought I would be in life at this age, I believe everything happens for a reason so I'm happy being single, literally living my best life and enjoying the delights that being 'boy free' can bring.

Being boy free is actually way more fun than I ever imagined, so get ready to live your own boy free life vicariously through me. Hopefully you enjoy my musings, real-life tales, advice and general life updates - there are some exciting things in the pipeline, so watch this space. 

Bx
The Boy Free Girl

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